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Top 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings

2008-07-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Usually, we get to see celebrities get uglier over time (we're looking at YOU, Britney). Which is why when the opposite happens, we get excited. It's always nice when an ugly duckling turns into a swan – hey, even if we're spiteful bastards, who the hell would argue against having more hot chicks in the world? So without further adieu, we present to you Hollywood's 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings...

5. Demi Moore

Demi Moore has been bangin' for basically her entire career (we'll forgive her the brief period of time when she was all muscular with bad implants). Which is why it's shocking when you stumble across a picture of a young Demi. The picture of her as an adolescent that's floating around makes her look like a particularly fugly escapee from an Eskimo internment camp. A 12-year-old Ms. Moore looks like blind man's jail bait. Yick.

But now? Dude, she's in her 40s and still banging. In fact, I think I'm gonna pull my pants down right here, at work, and rub one out. I think my boss'll understand...

4. Scarlett Johansson

Scarjo is on a shortlist of the hottest young celebrities. The combination of a fuck me face, a Bettie Boop bump and some ginormous taters makes her the total package. Oh, and she has DSLs for days.

This wasn't always the case. A 14-year-old Scarlett Johansson starred in "The Horse Whisperer," and back then she didn't look like prime pickins. She looked like a dolla sto' ho'. In the "Then" picture above, she sorta resembles this retarded girl I danced with at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah. Rory was her name, I think. Her breath smelled like cheap Manishevitz and paste. Mmmm....

3. Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore, more than anyone else on this list, aged into a hottie for the world to see. So we all pretty much know that wasn't always the case. No one was watching "ET" and wondering when the chubby little comic relief kid was gonna turn 18. Too bad for them, because Drew grew into her body rather well.

Even when she's looking kinda old or gross these days she still blows her "duckling" self out of the fucking water.

2. Kate Hudson

Celebrities usually spawn hot kids. This isn't always the case (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' daughter Rumer Willis is of course the modern-classic example) and, for a while there, it looked like Kate Hudson (the daughter of Goldie Hawn and "comedian" Bill Hudson) was gonna be on that fuggo list.

But then her head finally grew into her ears and she became the hottie we all respect, occasionally jerk to and, when our girlfriends insist on us seeing a romantic comedy, quietly tolerate.

1. Catherine Zeta Jones

There's a lot that's not on the level with Michael Douglas' wife, Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I mean, does ANY ONE really believe the bitch is only 38? Does anyone understand how she's so dark and has an accent and yet claims she's from Wales? And how DID she fit under all those infra red laser beams in "Entrapment"?

The fact that Zeta Jones has always been pretty hot is also not on the level. Because it's not true. That picture of her as a Mongoloid should be proof enough. Bitch's teeth look ready to abandon ship. And she looks like she's inherited the same recessive, Eskimo genes that the young Demi Moore had. Youch. Thank goodness she grew up to be hot. Otherwise she would've never fulfilled her lifelong dream of marring and shtupping a rather old Michael Douglas.

Written by Lukas Kaiser & Frank Movsesian

Top 5 Hottest Celebs We Need Bikini Pics Of

2008-07-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Here now, my Top 5. This is a very arguable list, but again, if there’s a woman out there that you want to see in a bikini, do a Google Image Search before you start bitching at me. Chances are that she’s already out there, waiting for you to ogle her. Here we go.

5. Maria Bartiromo

Those lips. Those eyes. The way she pronounces the names of countries. The argument over who the hottest anchor in America is will rage until the apocalypse, but Ms. Bartiromo gets her due any day of the week.

4. Emma Watson

Sure, she turned 18 all of six minutes ago, but I’m through pretending that she’s not hot.

3. Rachel Nichols

What's not to like about Rachel Nichols? She's a redhead, she probably knows more about sports than you do (and gets paid to talk about it), and she always manages to keep her body cleverly hidden under business suits and pinstripes. Rachel, for the good of the ESPNation, hit the beach, will you?

2. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

For my money, Elaine Benes was the greatest female character in television history. It was just a perk that she was played by one of the most quintessentially perfect 90’s actresses of all-time. Sure, she’s a little older now (and her hair isn’t nearly as awesome), but I think we all look back on the time we spent with Elaine quite fondly.

1. Aishwarya Rai

Yes, I know that she wore a one-piece on camera when she was in her beauty pageant days, but as we all are quite aware, one-pieces don’t count.

There you have it. Who’s on your list? Sound off in the comments section, and let the discussion begin.

Written by Ryan Zeinert

Top 5 Hottest Female Athletes

2008-07-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

Rock hard abs, long, slender legs and enough toughness to kick your ass. These are the qualities we look for when we scour the programing of ESPN2 late at night, hoping to find some variation of women's tennis, surfing or, heaven forbid, beach volleyball. Whether or not they can dominate their respective games, these ladies will always have us tuning in and hitting the ol' record button on the Tivo.

5. Jennie Finch - softball

Who wouldn't want to be the catcher for this sexy softball pitcher? Well, if you are afraid of a 90 mph softball flying at your face, then a date with Jennie Finch may not be for you. She's got the arm of Mariano Rivera and the body of Barbarella. What more can I say?

4. Danica Patrick - Indycar racing

There is nothing hotter than a chick that likes to go fast-really fast. Her celebrity sometime outweighs her prowess on the track and she's often mentioned alongside the word "overhyped," but at least she can drive a stick.

3. Daniela Hantuchova - tennis

Forget about Anna Kournikova. Forget about Jelena Dokic. Not even Maria Sharapova has the goods to compete with this doughy-eyed Slovakian tennis goddess. Tennis shorts have never fit so well on a European rear - and that's saying something.

2. Missy Gibson - surfing

Not much is known about surfer Missy Gibson, other than the fact that she is smokin' hot. We do know this: she loves to swim, she's got amazing eyes and she spends most of her time in the sun. We can only imagine that she is fantastic in bed as well.

1. Amanda Beard - swimming

Nothing says hot like a sexy FHM covergirl who has made her living in a sport that requires her to be completely wet all the time. In turn, she keeps us all in a similar state. One thing is for sure, she can tie us to the bedpost with all of those Olympic medals any day.

Written by Neil Miller

Top 5 Hottest Celebs Who Came Out of Nowhere

2008-07-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

Every year, we get a new wave of hotties who come out of nowhere and dominate our computer screens with their steamy pictures. This year, we had plenty of new applicants for the new "it" girl, especially when past babes come crashing down (see: Britney Spears). Luckily for you, we've selected the top 5 so you can spend less time searching and more time gawking.

5. Laura Vandervoort from Smallville

If you’re gonna cast someone as Supergirl, they’d damn well better be jaw-droppingly hot. Laura Vandervoort does not disappoint. When Otto Binder and Al Plastino first dreamed up the admittedly unimaginative character of Supergirl, they probably had somebody like Vandervoort in mind: she’s a blonde beauty with a definite “girl next door” cheerleader-esque quality, except this time “next door” just happens to mean “Krypton” and therefore means she could kick your ass eight ways from Sunday if you tried anything. Cute, pretty, but with the ability to rip a man’s testicles off with her first two fingers: that is the essence of Supergirl, and therefore the essence of Ms. Vandervoort.

4. Kayleigh Pearson of British busty fame

Coming in as the new Nuts magazine girl, Kayleigh had big shoes -- or should I say, big bras -- to fill. With past babes like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh laying the Nuts legacy down, Miss Pearson needed to bring her A game; well, needless to say, she brought it and then some. Not only did she increase her bust size (from B to DD), she showed herself to be an excellent gymnast -- a huge rack and the ability to put her legs behind her head? Checkmate, Lucy Pinder. Checkmate.

3. Miranda Kerr from Victoria's Secret

When Victoria's Secret let Gisele Bundchen go, people weren't sure if they were going to be able to pull yet another jaw-dropping super model out of nowhere. Well, I don't know how they did it, but Miranda Kerr fills the hole left by Miss Bundchen’s absence pretty damned well. Combining the mystique of Adriana Lima with the class of her predecessor, Kerr channels a universal attractiveness that even Bundchen couldn’t quite achieve. She appears classy, but sexy; mysterious, but charming – in other words, pretty much everything a lingerie model should be.

2. Michelle Ryan from The Bionic Woman

In heated competition with Rose Byrne and Kelly MacDonald for the “Hottest European Chick Who Can Fake a Flawless American Accent” award, Michelle Ryan kicked ass and took names for eight episodes this year in the Bionic Woman update. As Laura Vandervoort was to the all-American cheerleader door type, Michelle Ryan is to the dignified, mature, cold-but-beautiful English woman. As mentioned earlier, however, you’d never know she was English from watching The Bionic Woman – I’m not sure why chicks from the UK faking US accents is so damnably alluring, but it most assuredly is.

1. Megan Fox

Everyone knew Megan Fox would have to be on this list. Seemingly coming from out of nowhere, Fox hasn’t actually done that much this year, yet her strength as a new wave hottie is undeniable. Hell, even my 67 year old grandmother called her hot – something about Fox’s looks transcends age, gender and sexual orientation. We already know she’s got one of the best “do me” faces in showbiz, but one literally cannot understate the woman’s attractiveness; in a film full of explosions, car chases, and transforming goddamned robots, she was still the most memorable (and visually spectacular) thing in it.

Top 5 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Disasters

2008-07-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Bad plastic surgery happens when someone feels pressure to look good and they have more money than brains. Which pretty much describes the majority of celebrities out there.

Some of the following don’t quite look like human beings anymore, which would be tragic (this is voluntary! they didn’t have to look like this) if it weren’t so stupid. Most of these people were genetically blessed to begin with, which makes you wonder why they would risk their good looks just to hold off from aging a tiny bit longer. And many of the younger celebs on this list have absolutely no excuse at all, as good diet, exercise, and a healthy lifestyle would have fixed most of any flaws they felt they had.

Here are the five worst celebrity plastic surgery disasters we could dig up, some of which are pretty damn horrifying:

5. Tara Reid

Surgery botched: Boob Job and Stomach Lipo

Tara Reid’s stomach looks to be about forty years older than the rest of her.

4. Gary Busey

Surgery botched: Veneers

As the Awful Plastic Surgery site puts it, his teeth look like chiclets.

3. Jessica Simpson

Surgery botched: Lips

Luckily for Jessica not all bad plastic surgery is permanent. She talked about her lip enhancement, saying “I had that Restylane stuff … It looked fake to me. I didn’t like that. But… it went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!”

2. Melanie Griffith

Surgery botched: Face lift and god only knows what else

This definitely deserves a before shot, just in case you are forgetting how normal Melanie Griffith used to be:

She’s only fifty years old, and she’s pretty much ruined her face. If I didn’t know it was her I would have honestly pegged the person in the first picture as a woman in her sixties.

1. Michael Jackson

Surgery botched: Skin lightening, nose jobs, face lifts, etc. etc. etc.

Could it really have been anyone else? It’s incredible to forget how absolutely normal Michael Jackson looked back in the 70’s and 80’s (attractive even!) before turning into the sideshow freak that he is today. The guy is absolutely looney tunes so it’s kind of a shame that he was always able to find a doctor to do what he wanted. Everyone should have told him no after a certain point, which was probably in about 1985.

Top 5 Worst Celebrity Breast Implants

2008-07-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

5. Janet Jackson

Never good when you have a giant dent in your boob. Janet needs to head to an autobody shop pronto, get that dent pounded right out.

4. Tori Spelling

Not too often you see a “legit” (using that word a little loosely) actress get breast implants that look like giant beach balls, but Spelling was willing to buck the trend. The money probably could have been a little better spent elsewhere. I hear French doctors have made some real advancements with facial transplants.

3. Victoria Beckham

Fittingly, it looks as if she’s had a couple of soccer balls implanted into her chest.

2. Vivica Fox

Gotta agree with Perez Hilton on this one, that is pretty disgusting. Fox apparently shares a surgeon with Janet Jackson.

1. Lil Kim

Lil Kim is headed down a path forged by Michael Jackson. Can’t wait to see what she looks like in twenty years.

Posted by Top Socialite

Top 5 Beauties With Big Brains Honorable Mentions

2008-07-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

Sunday’s post on intelligent female celebrities managed to make it to the front page of Digg with over 100 comments, many of which were complaining about the lack of inclusion of different celebs. There were definitely some worthy people left off the list, so I figured an honorable mention list was in order. So here we go!

5. Cindy Crawford

Background: One of the most famous models in the world, was featured in massive Pepsi and Diet Pepsi marketing campaigns in the 90’s, hosted House of Style on MTV from 1989 to 1995.
Evidence of brains: Crawford graduated from DeKalb High School as valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA, and had a scholarship to Northwestern to study chemical engineering (although she left after one semester to pursue her modeling career).
Why she’s hot: The mole. Duh. Pretty clearly the secret to her wealth and fame.

4. Hedy Lamarr

Background: Actress in the 1930’s and 40’s. One of the first actresses to show her breasts on film. Also one of the first actresses to fake an orgasm for the camera. Meg Ryan owes this woman quite alot. Was Delilah in Cecil B. DeMille’s Samson and Delilah.
Evidence of brains: Lamarr coinvented the first form of spread spectrum, which is the basis for pretty much all modern wireless communication.
Why she’s hot: Lamarr never had trouble finding guys to fawn over her. She was married six times. Also was arrested for petty shoplifting in both 1965 and 1991 and there’s just something hot about a klepto.

3. Geena Davis

Background: Started out as a model before getting her break in the film Tootsie. Received an Oscar as Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Accidental Tourist.
Evidence of brains: Very talented musician, plays the piano, flute, drums, and organ. Member of Mensa. Fluent in Swedish.
Why she’s hot: A smile so big you kind of wonder if she has more teeth than the average human being.

2. Reese Witherspoon

Background: One of the biggest actresses in Hollywood today with over twenty feature films under her belt. Recently won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her role as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line.
Evidence for brains: Attended Stanford University as a literature major before leaving to pursue her acting career.
Why she’s hot: Was she annoying in Legally Blonde? Oh yeah. But you have to admit that she was also pretty damn hot.

1. Danica Mckellar

Background: Television actress best known for her work as Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years.
Evidence of brains: Graduated summa cum laude from UCLA with a major in mathematics. Has an Erd?s-Bacon number, which some people might find attractive. Author of the upcoming book Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle-School Math Without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail.
Why she’s hot: McKellar was the actress whose absence seemed to cause the most consternation amongst diggers. Countless 12 year old boys in the early 90’s went to bed every night wondering why Winnie Cooper couldn’t live on their block.

Posted by Top Socialite

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Bands

2008-07-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

What is it that makes celebrity bands so incomprehensibly bad? One popular theory states that there's only so much room for artistic talent in a person, and that these celebs' highly developed primary talents simply leave no room for musical talent. On the other hand, the CRACKED Theory of Celebrity Bands holds that these conceited assclowns started performing only to satisfy their crippling need for attention. Whatever theory you subscribe to, there's one thing we can all agree on: The following 10 performers should throw all of their musical equipment into a wood chipper.

10. Juliette and the Licks, Celebrity Member: Juliette Lewis

This band almost doesn't suck, and this little diddy below is a perfect example. It kicks off with a swell-looking dame in tit-hugging spandex screaming about how she street-fights people-file that under "pretty motherfucking sweet." But then comes the chorus, and like Juliette Lewis' career around 2001, everything falls apart. Not only does she rhyme the central phrase "it's a mad, mad world" with the equally stupid "it's a mad, mad girl," but the tune sounds roughly like this time a kid we knew in fourth grade broke his leg playing kickball. So while this song's chorus is enough to condemn them, Juliette and the Licks get some credit for laying down 25 seconds of acceptable song before the contrived ego-boosting bullshit kicks in.

9. The Bacon Brothers, Celebrity Member: Kevin Bacon

Here is why The Bacon Brothers eat shit (musical shit, that is): Kevin Bacon's brother is in the band. (He's very, very bad.) Ironically, if this band consisted of just KB and a backing band (possible name: Kevin Bacon and the Eggz), it'd be more than palatable. Who knew that the star of classic action-thriller Footloose could sing? Well, besides his less attractive, less talented brother?

8. Billy Bob Thornton, Celebrity Member: Billy Bob Thornton

Wrapping up the "Celebrity Bands That Don't Completely Blow" portion of our list is William Robert Thornton, who's released four albums in the last decade. BBT has some kind-of-okay chops, but there's one significant problem: the man consistently sounds like he's taking a difficult mid-song dump. And judging from some of his past behavior (and the way he just generally seems like a lowlife sexual deviant), he very well may be. Which, of course, is a major problem for a musician (and his audience).

7. Wicked Wisdom, Celebrity Member: Jada Pinkett-Smith

Since 2003, the wife of movie star Will Smith has been leading a double life. Most days, she's either acting sassy in a mediocre mid-budget movie or parading her disproportionately large biceps down a red carpet. But on very rare occasions, she runs around screaming in agony like someone just shoved red-hot poker up her eye socket as a hilarious practical joke. Surprisingly, she found four other non-musicians to follow her around and violently molest instruments as she red-hot-poker-yells into a microphone. Nobody knows what made the seemingly sweet Jada turn to death metal, but we're guessing that starring alongside Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor had something to do with it. That dude's a dick.

6. The Sharks, Celebrity Member: Dennis Quaid

The Sharks (or as they're known in the biz, "The Band That Was Named by an 8-Year-Old Boy") are fronted by Dennis Quaid, brother of comedy super-legend Randy Quaid. Fun fact: Dennis Quaid is a grown man who finds it acceptable to wear a Texas Longhorns baseball jersey on stage. There's not much to say about The Sharks other than the fact that, well, they aren't very good. Oh, and that Dennis Quaid might be an 8-year-old boy caught in a man's body.

5. 30 Seconds to Mars, Celebrity Member: Jared Leto

Remember when Jared Leto starred in whiny me-fest My So-Called Life and you wanted to magically jump into the screen and elbow his nose through the back of his skull like that scene in A History of Violence? That's exactly what happens when you watch one of this pompous, make-up-wearing slapdick's "music" "videos." To showcase this band's non-abilities, we decided to go with their Shining-esque video for "The Kill," a song that chronicles the band's trip to an abandoned hotel, in which they make love to each other for days on end, presumably.

4. 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, Celebrity Member: Russell Crowe

Man, no comments, Russell Crowe.

3. Dogstar, Celebrity Member: Keanu Reeves

The butt of countless jokes, Keanu Reeves' now-defunct side project was a band that, well, deserved to be the butt of countless jokes. The most bewildering aspect of Dogstar's suckitude is the fact that Keanu is only the bassist-a supporting role at best. On one hand, it could mean that Keanu was smart enough to know that he should keep himself out of the limelight. But more likely, it means that he was dumbtarded enough to believe that this jagoff lead singer actually had a good voice. Imagine that: Keanu Reeves is unintelligent and confused about his surroundings. You learn something new every day.

3. The Bruce Willis Blues Band, Celebrity Member: Bruce Willis

Try as he might, Bruce Willis is not an old black man. So why he believes he can belt out blues tunes in a caricaturish old black man's voice-the equivalent of musical blackface-is a mystery. Are we supposed to believe that he looks like a white guy, talks like a white guy and goes through expensive, humiliating divorces like a white guy, but then magically starts singing like a black cartoon character as soon as his embarrassed guitarist starts butchering a John Lee Hooker riff? (It should also be noted that the hypothetical old black man we're talking about has a terrible singing voice.)

2. Minnie Driver, Celebrity Member: Minnie Driver

It's not unreasonable to claim that Minnie Driver is a talented actress. But it's also not unreasonable to claim that the video below is one of the dumbest pieces of bullshit ever created by anyone ever. And God bless the production team on her last album, Everything I've Got in My Pocket, because they did everything they could to make this audio vomit listenable. And while Minnie's voice may not be the worst on this list, her bland, simple lyrics like "I wanna lay down with you forever" (Forever? You mean I can't stand up to piss?) and melodies that employ about three notes really steal the show. You may be thinking, "But what if this song isn't representative of the other songs on her album?" Well, you're very wrong.

1. Honky Tonk Confidential, Celebrity Member: Bob Schieffer

Oh, Bob Schieffer, you're so adorable with your Southern drawl, your tailored suits and the way you sing like a homophobic asshole. Maybe the most dumbfounding aspect of Schieffer's signature song, "TV Anchorman," is that he's rapping over a country western tune about how he thinks some guy wants to fuck him ("I'm not some Brokeback Mountain dude"). It's not that the notion of another man wanting to fuck Bob Schieffer is that outrageous-let's face it, he's got a shape to him-it's just that most people who perform in public would try to avoid lyrics that are so clearly autobiographical and that basically amount to the singer telling someone, "Hey, I ain't no fag, you fag!" If you're wondering whether Schieffer has enough musical talent or stage presence to redeem a misguided lyric like this one, just watch the video below, and try as hard as you can not to throw your computer through a window.

Posted by www.cracked.com

Top 10 Ladies Who Used to Be Hot

2008-07-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

Too many actresses are believing the line that you can’t be too thin. Please, ladies, eat a sandwich or something at the craft services cart. Here are a special shout-out to ten skinny-ass celebs that used to really turn heads.

10. Thandie Newton

Most recently seen in: Run Fat Boy Run
Last time she was hot: Mission: Impossible II

There was a time that Thandie Newton was the next Hollywood hottie. Then someone must have suggested that she had some jelly rolls, because she lost more weight than a cancer patient on Atkins. Now she looks more like a zero-body-fat lizard than a celebrity beauty.

9. Victoria Beckham

Most recently seen in: Ugly Betty
Last time she was hot: when the Spice Girls were

Not that I was a fan of the Spice Girls, but I will admit that they covered all the bases in terms of fantasy girls. But the former Posh Spice has lost so much weight that her once sultry figure makes her look like a lollipop - a wobbly head on a stick. I’m afraid her neck is going to snap and her hubby will kick her head around their flat like a soccer ball.

8. Jennifer Connelly

Most recently seen in: Reservation Road
Last time she was hot: Requiem for a Dream

Can you believe this was the girl from The Rocketeer? Or Dark City? This buxom brunette starts getting some Hollywood credibility and drops down to a size zero. There’s nothing wrong with losing a little pudge, but when you look like one of the starving children from Sierra Leone in Blood Diamond, something’s wrong.

7. Rachel Taylor

Most recently seen in: Shutter
Last time she was hot: Transformers

Okay, I really loved her debut in Transformers. Very few ladies in Hollywood could give Megan Fox a run for the money, especially in a two-hour Michael Bay beer commercial. But in Shutter, this girl looked like she hadn’t eaten since working with Bay. She could make it as an up-and-coming hottie, if she actually ate a sandwich.

6. Kate Bosworth

Most recently seen in: 21
Last time she was hot: Blue Crush

She just beat the house last weekend in 21, and she banged Superman without being mortally wounded, but I just can’t get over the fact she looks like a 12-year-old boy. It wasn’t hard to hide her nipples in the 21 sex scene, considering she’s about as anorexically flat-chested as Jim Sturgess was.

5. Ashlee Simpson

Most recently seen in: 2008 Kids Choice Awards
Last time she was hot: 2008 Kids Choice Awards, but still doesn’t look healthy

She was the less-cute sister of Jessica Simpsons, but thanks to silicone, collagen, rhinoplasty and crash diets, she now looks like a supermodel. But that’s not a good thing. It might work for a bulimic supermodel, but for a girl who could have been America’s sweetheart, she looks less like her former self than Michael Jackson does.

4. Angelina Jolie

Most recently seen in: Beowulf
Last time she was hot: Beowulf (hell, they can do a lot with CGI)

Not too long ago, I saw a tabloid compare photos of Jolie’s scrawny, veiny arm to that of geriatric Clint Eastwood. And you know what? Sometimes tabloids are right. This once hot chick has gotten way too thin. Have you seen the trailers for Wanted? Give me back the Gia days, baby!

3. Lindsay Lohan

Most recently seen in: I Know Who Killed Me
Last time she was hot: Herbie Fully Loaded

Granted, she’s up and down more often than Oprah lately, but let’s blame this on her lack of focus. I saw her nudie shots from New York Magazine. And while I’m impressed with her huge (but obviously fake) knockers, I just can’t get excited about the freckly femme’s whisper-thin frame. She was chubby-cheerleader cute for a while, but just a year or so ago, her weight plummeted, making her scary-thin for a while.

2. Saffron Burrows

Most recently seen in: The Bank Job
Last time she was hot: Deep Blue Sea

It’s arguable that former model Saffron Burrows ever really looked healthy. But watching this scrawny, lanky lady tower over Jason Statham in The Bank Job was enough to get her on this list. She made his evil co-star from Transporter 2 look fat. Still, that underwear shot in Deep Blue Sea was pretty nice.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow

Most recently seen in: The Good Night
Last time she was hot: Se7en

Anyone who is familiar with me as a film critic knows that I have been highly critical of Paltrow for years. But aside from her inability to act (and so many people’s inability to see that she can’t act), I detest how she is physically wasting away as she gets older. She’s one of those girls that went overboard to lose the baby weight. Now, as she enters her late 30s, that too-thin look is not working for her.

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com)

Top 15 Turned Down Roles

2008-07-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

15. Sarah Michelle Gellar

Scheduling conflicts prevented her from accepting the role as Cher in “Clueless.”

14. Melanie Griffith

Melanie Griffith turned down the role of “Thelma” in “Thelma and Louise.” Incidentally, Michelle Pfeiffer and Jodie Foster were originally cast as Thelma and Louise but had to drop out as pre-production dragged on.

13. Mel Gibson

Turned down the lead role in Gladiator. A role which landed Russell Crowe the Academy Award. Mel also turned down the part of Robin Hood in “Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.” Instead, that part went to a not very belieaveable Kevin Costner.

12. Alec Baldwin

The role of Richard Kimball in “The Fugitive” was originally offered to Alec. After he turned it down, it went to Harrison Ford.

11. Keanu Reeves

Turned down Charlie Sheen’s role in “Platoon.” And really, thank goodness for that. The role should definitely go to someone who can act.

10. Tom Hanks

Turned down the role of Ray Kinsella in “Field of Dreams,” Andy Dufresne in “The Shawshank Redemption” and the lead role in “Jerry Maguire.”

9. John Travolta

Turned down the role of Forrest Gump.

8. Jennifer Jason Leigh

Jennifer Jason Leigh is another of the actresses who landed the role of Vivian in “Pretty Woman” and later turned it down.

7. Tom Cruise

Before Johnny Depp made the role his own, Tom Cruise signed on to play Donnie Brasco in the film of the same name. Tom was also to play the lead role in “Footloose” and ended up turning that down as well.

6. Leonardo DiCaprio

Offered the part of Dirk Diggler in “Boogie Nights” before it was given to Mark Wahlberg and the lead role in “The Matrix”.

5. Julia Roberts

Turned down Sharon Stone’s leg crossing role in “Basic Instinct,” the role of Mary Corleone in “Godfather III” the role of Annie in “Sleepless in Seattle,” the lead role of “Shakespeare in Love” and the role of Lucy in “While You Were Sleeping.”

4. Will Smith

Turned down the role that eventually went to Keanu Reeve in “The Matrix”, and the role of Stu in “Phone Booth.”

3. Denzel Washington

Turned down the role of Curtis in “Dreamgirls”, the lead in “I Robot”, and it’s rumored he turned down the role of “Ray Charles” in Ray.

2. Madonna

I guess we should be thankful but Madonna turned down Michelle Pfeiffer’s role in “The Fabulous Baker Boys.”

1. Gillian Anderson

The former X-Files star was originally offered the role of Bethany Sloane in “Dogma.” She said, “no thanks” and the part wen to Linda Fiorentino instead.

Top 5 Celebs you didn't know were geeks

2008-07-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

5. Natalie Portman

Recently Natalie returned to the ground she covered with Dershowitz when she starred as anarchist apprentice Evey Hammond in the terrorist fable V for Vendetta. This got her invited to Columbia to speak to a class on terrorism and antiterrorism and, more importantly, bridging the raw, seemingly eternal divide between comic book and Star Wars geeks.

4. Vin Diesel

His geek flag flew higher when he opened up his own gaming development house, Tigon Studios, just because he was tired of people making crappy games based on movies. The very fabric of existence was rent asunder when, to the shocked and frightened gasps of a reviewing public, it turned out The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay, the first video game based on a movie since Goldeneye was not just better than the movie, but better than just about every other game that came out that year. It's average review score was 90 percent, according to MetaCritic.

3. Asia Carrera

Retired porn star Asia Carrera, real name Jessica Steinhauser, is a bit of a legend in the porn industry. With 36-26-36 measurements, she performed in a jaw-dropping 400 hundred films in her career and exchanged an unthinkable amount of bodily fluids. She's also mother of two.

She calls herself "the nerd of porn," and we assumed it was some kind of in-joke, until we saw her credentials. Here is somebody who studied piano as a child and by the age of 14 was playing in Carnegie Hall.

2. Queen guitarist Brian May

When he wasn't busy rocking faces, May fiddled around with astrophysics, co-authoring two scientific papers and the book Bang! - The Complete History of the Universe with Christ Lintott and Patrick Moore. He also has been a regular guest on the latter's show The Sky at Night for years). Finally, after he was satisfied that he had squeezed all the rocking he could into one lifetime, he went back and got his doctorate in the fall of '07.

Then, he was appointed Chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University, meaning we now have a man who can look upon both Albert Einstein and Eddie Van Halen and ask why they didn't get more done.

1. Dolph Lundgren

As it turns out, this towering blond monster who casually told Sylvester Stallone, "I will break you," could have, in fact, probably calculated the amount of effort (in force pounds per square inch and Joules expenditure) needed to do just that in his head.

The man reportedly has an IQ of 160. He graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology in Sweden, got his master's in chemical engineering, then was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. After just two weeks of that, his superhuman intellect allowed him to calculate that a life spent inventing life-saving chemicals would mathematically contain less awesome than one movie spent playing He-Man.

Posted by www.cracked.com

Top 10 Most Unlikely Celeb Porn Stars

2008-07-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

10. Jackie Chan

"I had to do anything I could to make a living 31 years ago, but I don't think it's a big deal, even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in his movies," said Chan after it was revealed he starred in a Hong Kong skin flick called All in the Family.

9. Spalding Gray

To people who read The New Yorker, Gray was best known for his post-modern, hyper intellectual monologues (and films of same), like Swimming to Cambodia. (We knew him as a smarty-pants Garrison Keillor type that made our college professors rub themselves against their desks with their eyes closed, quietly singing "When Doves Cry.")

8. Cameron Diaz

Naturally they showed up online soon after anyway. Because the Internet is as shameless as it is awesome.

7. Sylvester Stallone

Should you manage to be lucky enough to find a copy, you'll learn there's no false advertising in the title, as "Stud" belt-whips "Kitty" and services three of her friends at, sure enough, "a party." Adrian is gonna be SO pissed.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger

There are plenty of unsubstantiated rumors floating around that Arnie went gay for pay in some early films, but he can't deny posing nude for controversial photographer and alleged "boy-loving pervert" Robert Mapplethorpe in the mid-'70s. (He also posed butt-ass-nekkid for gay magazine After Dark.)

5. Dustin Diamond

He's since capitalized on the career shift as despicably as possible, appearing at porn conventions and trying to push a line of adult products modeled after plaster molds of his man-parts. We can't think of a funny capper for that. Seriously, God save us all.

4. Jaimee Foxworth

Best known (and we use that term VERY loosely) as youngest daughter Judy Winslow on the TV show Family Matters, poor, poor Jaimee Foxworth was written out of the show without explanation, presumably to make more room for the subtle, nuanced comic stylings of Steve Urkel. (In one scene, he might say "Cheese" in an annoying voice! In another, he'll simply fall face-first into Carl's lap! You never know-he's that versatile!)

4. Joanie Laurer

Ever since her WWE star faded, Joanie Laurer's mounted an exhaustive ongoing campaign to prove to everyone that she has an honest-to-goodness, totally for-reals vagina, evidently because nobody believes her for a second. Laurer followed up two Playboy spreads with the 2004 video extravaganza One Night in China (ugh), wherein her alleged lady parts are repeatedly assailed by fellow pro wrestler and alleged man X-Pac.

3. Colin Farrell

Early last year Colin Farrell attempted to block the distribution of a 13-minute sex tape he made with ex-girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain.

2. Jane Fonda

According to a former editor of Hustler magazine, in the early '90s Larry Flynt unsuccessfully attempted to purchase a video in which Jane Fonda (48 at the time), husband Ted Turner and an unidentified brunette share a queasily intimate moment of graphic, horrifying.

1. Tom Sizemore

We're surprised Tom Sizemore managed find time in his busy schedule of crystal meth busts and Heidi Fleiss-punching to even make a gross po#no, but unfortunately for po#nography enthusiasts everywhere, he did just that.

Posted by www.cracked.com

Top 5 Celebrity Meltdowns

2008-07-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

Courtney Love's recent trouble-filled visit to New York taught us one thing: watching a star self-destruct isn't all that much fun. Sure, we checked out those boob snaps, but we felt really guilty about it. What will happen to little Frances Bean, we wondered? And will her mom's problems add years to her presumed therapy?

Why are we fascinated with Love's out-of-control antics? Because when a celebrity flames out, it's usually not in front of camera-wielding witnesses. Handlers pocket big bucks to ensure that hospitalization is the result of "exhaustion" or "dehydration" and that pesky brushes with the law are "misunderstandings." On rare occasions when a star falls apart before a mass audience, we just can't tear our eyes away, despite our better judgment.

In the wake of Love's Big Apple breakdown, we decided to take a look at some other celebs who have spiraled downward in the public eye. Keep in mind that examples of the tragic (Kurt Cobain, River Phoenix), the tragically ludicrous (former child stars in handcuffs), and just plain ridiculous (O.J. in his pokey Bronco) have been nixed.

So, prepare to go off the deep end as we count down the 10 worst celebrity meltdowns...

5. Mariah Carey, 34

Meltdown Moment: It was a cruel summer for Mariah Carey in July 2001. The octave-jumping, cleavage-abusing diva, busily promoting her soon-to-be-released, semi-autobiographical flick "Glitter" (and we all know how that turned out), seemed out of sorts. On MTV's TRL, she handed out popsicles before beginning a bizarre striptease. "I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows," Mariah told a befuddled Carson Daly. Days later, the pop star left a pair of rambling audio messages on her Web site. Hospitalization, officially blamed on "extreme exhaustion," soon followed.

Dysfunctional Dialogue: "I just want you to know that I'm trying to understand things in life right now," Carey said on her Web site. "I just can't trust anybody anymore right now because I don't understand what's going on ... I'm desperately trying to get out of this room ... I allowed myself to be a little too paranoid about life ... I'm gonna take like a minute off... Nothing's wrong ..."

The Aftermath: The butterfly-loving chart-topper has yet to soar to her previous record-breaking heights. Post-breakdown, her record label, EMI, dumped her, though it kindly ponied up $28 million to buy out her contract. Her ultra-personal album "Charmbracelet" earned mixed reviews but solid sales, and she earned strong notices for her downscaled 2003 concert tour. She currently has a new album in the works and will once again brave the big screen as she plays against type as a diva in the upcoming flick "State Property II."

4. Margot Kidder, 55

Meltdown Moment: In April 1996, the whisky-voiced actress, who hit it big as Superman's sweetie Lois Lane, suffered a manic-depressive episode while in L.A. and spent several days living on the streets, sharing a cardboard box with a homeless guy named Charlie. By the time police found her hiding in a stranger's back yard, she was dirty, dazed, missing her front dental bridge, and had hacked off her hair to escape detection from CIA agents and one of her ex-husbands (she was experiencing a wee bit of paranoia).

Dysfunctional Dialogue: "Mental illness is the last taboo," the actress told Barbara Walters shortly after her episode, admitting she had suffered from depression for decades. "It's the one that scares everyone to death, and I have to include myself in that until the last few months."

The Aftermath: According to Kidder, she's been able to keep her illness in check without drugs, instead relying on a combination of amino acids, vitamins, and minerals. "For me, the solution was finally getting away from psychiatric drugs and actually healing my body so I wouldn't have the symptoms that are called mental illness," she told the AP. Despite breaking her pelvis in a 2002 car accident, she continues to act and will next be seen with Andie MacDowell in the supernatural thriller "The Last Signs."

3. Martin Lawrence, 39

Meltdown Moment: Tough call, given Lawrence's past troubles. Better known incidents include a sexual harassment suit filed by his "Martin" co-star Tisha Campbell, an attempt to board a plane with a Beretta, and a life-threatening coma caused by wearing heavy layers while jogging in 100-degree heat. But Martin's nadir probably came in 1996, when he was hospitalized after police found him at a busy L.A. intersection in a pot-induced stupor screaming at passing cars with a loaded gun in his pocket.

Dysfunctional Dialogue: "I'm still in this game and I'm still very much going strong," the funnyman told the L.A. Times last year. "For all my trials and tribulations, I am a man with a good heart. I am not out to hurt nobody. I just want to make you laugh."

The Aftermath: Despite a reputation for being difficult, Lawrence has continued to crank out hit films, most recently scoring with "Bad Boys II" opposite Will Smith. Next up is "Rage Control," in which he'll play a college basketball coach who's forced to head up a losing junior varsity team after suffering -- wink, wink -- a public meltdown. But he's not quite in the clear. In February, he was sued by a woman who alleges he popped her in the jaw. Lawrence's rep calls the suit "financially motivated."

2. Charlie Sheen, 38

Meltdown Moment: A star by the time he was 21, Sheen put the "demons" in hedonism, spending thousands on Heidi Fleiss' call girls and, at his lowest point, downing two quarts of vodka a day and smoking copious amounts of cocaine. On May 20, 1998, after a week of nonstop partying, Sheen was rushed to the hospital suffering from a drug overdose, a fact his father, Martin Sheen, candidly announced to the press. Charlie quickly checked into a treatment center, only to leave by limo a few hours later. His worried dad got an arrest warrant, arguing that the "Platoon" star had broken his probation in an earlier no-contest plea for attacking his ex-girlfriend. Faced with jail time, the actor chose to work on his self-described "destructive appetites" in rehab.

Dysfunctional Dialogue: "I was a little annoyed at the time," Sheen said of his father's tough-love approach, "but he saved my life, and I love him for that."

The Aftermath: Sober since getting out of treatment, Sheen has become the quintessential comeback kid. He's found new success on the small screen, first as Michael J. Fox's replacement on "Spin City," a role that earned him a Golden Globe, and currently on the CBS hit "Two and a Half Men." He wed actress Denise Richards in June 2003, and the couple welcomed a daughter, Sam, in March.

1. Michael Jackson, 45

Meltdown Moment: So many crashes, so little space. Among the lowlights that have almost completely obliterated Jackson's once-deserved reputation as the King of Pop: the reported $20 million settlement of a child-molestation lawsuit in 1994 (Jackson maintains his innocence); the disfiguring plastic surgery; the marriages to Lisa Marie Presley and Debbie Rowe; the masked children; the money problems; the kooky disguises; the baby dangling; the disastrous documentary with Martin Bashir, during which he admitted he slept in bed with "many children"; and the current molestation charges that could land him behind bars.

Dysfunctional Declaration: "Lies run sprints, but the truth runs marathons," Jackson said after being booked in November. "The truth will win this marathon in court."

The Aftermath: With Jackson's image so tarnished by scandal, it will take a PR miracle for his star to be reborn. In March, amid legal wrangling over the current accusations, the Neverland-dwelling performer made an appearance in Washington, D.C., where he was filmed holding and hugging children. Is there a chance Michael will awaken from the Peter Pan fantasyland he's living in and face the reality of his world, which is crumbling faster than his nose? Maybe, but it might be too late to salvage his fame and resurrect the moonwalking, sequined-glove-wearing musical genius of old.

Posted by Kat Giantis, for MSN Entertainment

Top 10 Playboy Bunnies

2008-04-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

Playboy magazine is a popular men's magazine created and run by Hugh Hefner. The magazine, along with its articles and interviews, features nude yet tasteful pictures of women. Most of the women featured in the magazine are models, but from time to time Hugh offers enough cash for a celebrity to let her guard down and bare it all. Here is the list of top ten celebrity bunnies:

10. Rachel Hunter

This New Zealand born beauty became a Sports Illustrated model in the late 1980's. She was reportedly paid close to $2 million to pose in Playboy in 2004 right after her appearance in Fountains of Wayne's 2003 video "Stacy's Mom" where she was shown in a hot bikini. Rachel's appearance in the music video obviously prompted Hefner to want to share more of her goodies with everyone.

9. Farrah Fawcett

She is known to most as the "Charlie's Angels" chick with great hair and one of the best selling bathing suit posters of all time! For a majority of her career, she resisted posing completely nude but shocked everyone when she turned up in the December 1995 issue of Playboy. That issue, which sold over 4 million copies, was the best-selling issue of the 1990s. Not bad for a woman in her 40s! Then again at the age of 50, Farrah posed for the July 1997 issue, also a big hit with the readers!

8. Stephanie Seymour

Stephanie may be best known as a supermodel and Axl Rose's girlfriend in the early 1990s. She was featured in his band Guns and Roses' music video for "November Rain" as a bride who ends up dying in the "cold, November rain!" She posed nude in Playboy twice, once in March 1991 and again in February 1993.

7. Denise Richards

Denise is probably best known as a "Bond Girl" or as the girl in the bathing suit with the hard nipples who makes out with another girl in Wild Things. She was destined to grace the pages of Playboy. So that is exactly what Denise did in December 2004.

6. Jenny McCarthy

Jenny was Playboy's 1994 Playmate of the Year, which is a huge honor for the nude modeling world! She was a model before she became an actress and activist and is famous now because we all saw her in the buff, so it does turn out to be a positive thing for some people. Go Jenny!

5. Cindy Crawford

Cindy is probably one of the most beautiful women in the world, so when she posed for Playboy in July 1988, guys rushed to the newsstand to get their copy. She was the first supermodel to pose nude and returned once more in 1998 in a more risqué nude picture. One time was clearly not fulfilling enough for this beauty. Playboy even ranked her #5 on their list of the "100 Sexiest Stars" of the 20th century.

4. Carmen Electra

Carmen also started her modeling career in the May 1996 issue of Playboy, after she had been involved with singer Prince and a brief singing/dancing career. Her spread gained her a lot of exposure and she was in the magazine three more times after that. She earned two covers, one in December 2000, the other in April 2003.

3. Kim Kardashian

Although Kim is not really a celebrity, she has one of the most talked about asses in Hollywood. So when she decided to pose for Playboy in December 2007, the world was a buzz. It's not like we all hadn't seen her expose herself in her various sex tapes, but apparently we just couldn't get enough!

2. Pamela Anderson

Pamela and her DDD's have appeared on the cover of Playboy 12 times, which makes her the most popular Playboy model. She was the February 1990 Playmate of the Year and appeared completely nude on the May 2004 cover, which was a first for her. It is reported that Pamela's very first pose for Playboy was a little more revealing than the magazine normally provides so they were forced to airbrush a certain area. Wink wink.

1. Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was the very first nude model for Hefner. Her and her bits were featured in the first issue of Playboy in December 1953. Very scandalous for that time, Marilyn had no shame and admitted to the scrutinizing public, that it was indeed her in the pictures. When she first talked to the media about her spread, it was reported that she answered the reporter's question, "What were you wearing?" with a witty, "Chanel No. 5."

Who is your favorite celebrity Playboy bunny?