Saturday, July 12, 2008

Top 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings

Usually, we get to see celebrities get uglier over time (we're looking at YOU, Britney). Which is why when the opposite happens, we get excited. It's always nice when an ugly duckling turns into a swan – hey, even if we're spiteful bastards, who the hell would argue against having more hot chicks in the world? So without further adieu, we present to you Hollywood's 5 Hottest Ugly Ducklings...

5. Demi Moore

Demi Moore photos

Demi Moore has been bangin' for basically her entire career (we'll forgive her the brief period of time when she was all muscular with bad implants). Which is why it's shocking when you stumble across a picture of a young Demi. The picture of her as an adolescent that's floating around makes her look like a particularly fugly escapee from an Eskimo internment camp. A 12-year-old Ms. Moore looks like blind man's jail bait. Yick.

But now? Dude, she's in her 40s and still banging. In fact, I think I'm gonna pull my pants down right here, at work, and rub one out. I think my boss'll understand...

4. Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson photos

Scarjo is on a shortlist of the hottest young celebrities. The combination of a fuck me face, a Bettie Boop bump and some ginormous taters makes her the total package. Oh, and she has DSLs for days.

This wasn't always the case. A 14-year-old Scarlett Johansson starred in "The Horse Whisperer," and back then she didn't look like prime pickins. She looked like a dolla sto' ho'. In the "Then" picture above, she sorta resembles this retarded girl I danced with at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah. Rory was her name, I think. Her breath smelled like cheap Manishevitz and paste. Mmmm....

3. Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore photos

Drew Barrymore, more than anyone else on this list, aged into a hottie for the world to see. So we all pretty much know that wasn't always the case. No one was watching "ET" and wondering when the chubby little comic relief kid was gonna turn 18. Too bad for them, because Drew grew into her body rather well.

Even when she's looking kinda old or gross these days she still blows her "duckling" self out of the fucking water.

2. Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson photos

Celebrities usually spawn hot kids. This isn't always the case (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' daughter Rumer Willis is of course the modern-classic example) and, for a while there, it looked like Kate Hudson (the daughter of Goldie Hawn and "comedian" Bill Hudson) was gonna be on that fuggo list.

But then her head finally grew into her ears and she became the hottie we all respect, occasionally jerk to and, when our girlfriends insist on us seeing a romantic comedy, quietly tolerate.

1. Catherine Zeta Jones

Catherine Zeta Jones photos

There's a lot that's not on the level with Michael Douglas' wife, Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I mean, does ANY ONE really believe the bitch is only 38? Does anyone understand how she's so dark and has an accent and yet claims she's from Wales? And how DID she fit under all those infra red laser beams in "Entrapment"?

The fact that Zeta Jones has always been pretty hot is also not on the level. Because it's not true. That picture of her as a Mongoloid should be proof enough. Bitch's teeth look ready to abandon ship. And she looks like she's inherited the same recessive, Eskimo genes that the young Demi Moore had. Youch. Thank goodness she grew up to be hot. Otherwise she would've never fulfilled her lifelong dream of marring and shtupping a rather old Michael Douglas.

Written by Lukas Kaiser & Frank Movsesian